


i didn't sign up to be a politician

by rainbowblue13



Series: how did we get here? [5]
Category: Do No Harm (TV), Hamilton - Miranda, In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Dubious work practices, Even More Shenanigans, F/M, Gen, People mix up, i have no idea how anything works so neither do they, vague politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 16:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10666206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowblue13/pseuds/rainbowblue13
Summary: moneydude: lets be real whats the worse that could happenusnavy: A BLACK CAR PULLED UP AND TWO GUYS IN SUITS DRAGGED ME IN AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE "Mr. Secretary, Potus has been asking for you all day" aND ONE OF THEM SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY DISGUISE/HAIR???ruBen10: @moneydude this is exactly the worst that could happenOr, the disadvantages of having two doppelgangers be in the same city.





	i didn't sign up to be a politician

**Author's Note:**

> this is the most self-indulgent thing i've ever written but i hope you enjoy it :P

**usnavy:** hey guys, what are you up to?

**moneydude:** running away from work. u?

**ruBen10:** I got takeout duty on the lab so i gotta find a good cheap food place

**usnavy:** @moneydude don't you work in the government??

**usnavy:** @ruBen10 also I know a place that sells really good panuchos if it helps

**ruBen10:** Idk what those are but sure. Where?

**usnavy:** in Washington Heights. ask anyone there and they'll give you the addre

**moneydude:** @usnavy yes and thats exactly why im avoiding it

**ruBen10:** Thanks Usnavi

**ruBen10:** Also Alex please go and do your job

**moneydude:** but whyyyyy

**moneydude:** lets be real whats the worse that could happen

**usnavy:** HEL P

**ruBen10:** What??

**usnavy:** A BLACK CAR PULLED UP AND TWO GUYS IN SUITS DRAGGED ME IN AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE "Mr. Secretary, Potus has been asking for you all day" aND ONE OF THEM SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY DISGUISE/HAIR???

**moneydude:** omg

**ruBen10:** @moneydude this is exactly the worst that could happen

**moneydude:** okay but think about it: this is hilarious

**usnavy:** I AM VERY PANICKED RIGHT NOW. WHO IS POTUS?? ARE YOU IN THE MAFIA

**moneydude:** Usnavi, my dear lookalike friend, Potus is the codeword for the president of the United States of 'Murica

**ruBen10:** Why did you have to piss off the president of all people, Alex

**moneydude:** cause i have more important things to do than this redundant meeting gwash keeps pushing for

**ruBen10:** Gwash?

**moneydude:** ur president

**usnavy:** NOT THAT IM NOT HONORED ABOUT GETTING TO MEET THE PRESIDENT BUT WHAT DO I DO AT THIS MEETING

**ruBen10:** @usnavy NOTHING because Alex is going to go there and clear up this whole mess

**moneydude:** @usnavy it's a meeting that literally just re-reads the protocol we have to follow while at NY, u just have to sit there and look pretty

**ruBen10:** ALEXANDER

**moneydude:** RUBEN

**usnavy:** AY DIOS

**moneydude:** u can chill on the caps lock navi

**usnavy:** I ACTUALLY THINK THE KEY IS NOW STUCK SO I CAN ONLY SPEAK IN CAPS

**ruBen10:** @moneydude Fix this. N o w

**moneydude:** idk how to fix phones

**ruBen10:** ALEX A N D E R

**usnavy:** IM AT THE BUILDING NOW A A A A H

**usnavy:** I NEED MORE INFORMATION FOR THIS TO WORK

**moneydude:** okay crash course: George Washington is the president, Aaron Burr is a senator, James Madison is a congressman, Thomas Jeffershit is the secretary of state and everyone else is irrelevant

**usnavy:** OKAY??

**ruBen10:** NOT OKAY HAMILTON GO THERE N O W

**moneydude:** but this is so fun

**usnavy:** THEY'RE SAYING I HAVE TO CHANGE AND DITCH THE HAT

**usnavy:** I DONT WANNA DITCH MY HAT

**moneydude:** u gotta

**moneydude:** tell them to have Eliza hold on to if for u and it'll be in safe hands

**usnavy:** IVE NEVER BEEN IN A SUIT BEFORE THIS IS WEIRd

**moneydude:** because ur me, u can get away with just having the dress shirt and tie, so u can ditch the jacket

**moneydude:** oH and if people ask about the hair thing say "i lost a bet to Peggy"

**usnavy:** peggy the meme master?

**usnavy:** oh my caps lock key unstuck, good

**usnavy:** im still super stressed

**moneydude:** another thing, ur gonna have to up ur vocab skills

**moneydude:** i wouldve phrased that as "Regardless, I am the human embodiment of anxiousness"

**usnavy:** you ne v e r talk like that on here

**ruBen10:** Um

**ruBen10:** There might be another problem

**ruBen10:** This kid in a backwards cap started talking to me about dropping the bodega mid-shift and how I owed him

**ruBen10:** Now I'm standing in front of a slushie machine and idk what to do

**usnavy:** coño

**moneydude:** this is still hilarious

**usnavy:** ok i'm guessing that's Sonny, don't take him too seriously. the morning rush is over so u dont have to worry about el cafe. just work there till i get back please i'll give u a share

**ruBen10:** I cannot believe this

**ruBen10:** Okay fine

**ruBen10:** @moneydude You're gonna have to get food to Bellevue Hospital like asap cause otherwise they're gonna eat me alive when I get back

**moneydude:** u g h ok i got it dont worry

**moneydude:** the world is so unfair

**ruBen10:** This is literally all your fault

**usnavy:** i'm at the meeting room

**usnavy:** i'm wearing a tie

**usnavy:** i'm panicking

**ruBen10:** How are you texting us in there??

**usnavy:** they let me keep my phone

**moneydude:** they kno better than to try and take my phone

**usnavy:** also one of the secret service guys was really confused about my flip phone

**moneydude:** who isnt tbh

**usnavy:** theres a bald guy with really good eyebrows and a small tooth gap is that the president??

**moneydude:** ye

**usnavy:** he's tall

**ruBen10:** Is that really the only thing you can comment about our president

**ruBen10:** also @usnavy everyone knows something's up i'm not good at this

**moneydude:** be strong

**ruBen10:** how's the food thing going??

**moneydude:** taken care of

**usnavy:** oH NO HELP

**usnavy:** A DUDE CAME IN AND SOMEONE CALLED HIM THOMAS SO I FIFGURED HE WAS THE SECRETARY OF STATE YOU MENTIONED SO I TRIED TO SAY HELLO BUT NOW HE'S SUPER OFFENDED

**moneydude:** that's jefferson for you

**moneydude:** fucking jefferson

**usnavy:** wait i thought you called him jeffershit??

**moneydude:** twas a nickname

**usnavy:** oh

**moneydude:** wait

**moneydude:** ohfMY GOD DID YOU ACTUALLY REFER TO HIM AS MR. JEFFERSHIT

**usnavy:** yes

**moneydude:** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE I WISH I'D BEEN THERE

**usnavy:** he's sitting down now cause the president told us to clam down but he looks like he's gonna murder me he l p

**moneydude:** "clam"

**ruBen10:** I want to be of more help but there's s o many people coming in

**usnavy:** uM ALEX

**usnavy:** YOU SAID THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PROTOCOL THING

**usnavy:** BUT THE PRESIDENT JUST ASKED IF WE WERE ALL READY FOR A CABINET MEETING

**moneydude:** w HAT

**moneydude:** FUCK OKAY IM ON MY WAY

**moneydude:** WA I T FOR M E

**usnavy:** THEY'RE ALREADY STARTING BUT JEFFERS IS GOING FIRST

**usnavy:** WHAT DO I DO

**moneydude:** okay whats the topic about??

**usnavy:** i dont k n o w

**usnavy:** wait okay im pretty sure it's something about taxes in Ny

**moneydude:** okay, just tell them that they have to be raised becase there's no way to improve public services otherwise. try to rhyme and insult jefferson while ur at it

**usnavy:** espera u wanna raise taxes?? even more than now? what the hell

**moneydude:** okay whose the one that studied PoliSci, economics and finances in college, graduated with honors and is treasury secretary??

**moneydude:** just hold the fort im almost there

**usnavy:** Sure thing

**ruBen10:** Okay things seem to have cooled down here

**ruBen10:** I just caught up on the chat and @moneydude 1) you deserve this 2) you're being an asshole

**moneydude:** i donT HAVE TIME FOR THIS

**moneydude:** I'm literally outside navi imma rescue you

**usnavy:** no need

**moneydude:** ???

**usnavy:** Just got through my turn fine and Jeffers is goin again

**moneydude:** what is he saying whats happening?? gimme the scoop

**usnavy:** he said something about how "our poorest citizens live ration to ration as wall strt robs em blind"

**moneydude:** fUCKER

**moneydude:** and how did u do?

**usnavy:** i agreed

**moneydude:** what

**ruBen10:** Plot twist

**usnavy:** i went on a small tangent on how taxes are being raised in places where people cant afford it, so that they have to move out and have larger businesses take over, and that keeping it up would eventually drive them out, leave them broke or leave them homeless

**ruBen10:** I mean, he's got a point

**moneydude:** look idk what youre on but you need to sit down and shut it for like 5 seconds

**moneydude:** taxes are necessary to anyone's way of life, everyone needs an economy to fall back on whether they like it or not. for example, there'd be no public schools without taxes, and education is the only way for those in lower conditions to rise up

**moneydude:** conclusion: pay yout fu c k i n g taxes

**usnavy:** kids can't rise up if their parents are forced to move out every year because they cant afford to pay rent

**ruBen10:** Why don't you just tax those that make a lot of money more? Wouldn't it hit them less?

**moneydude:** it's not that simple

**usnavy:** imma propose that idea

**moneydude:** C E A S E

**moneydude:** if u tax big companies extra theyre gonna come for our ass and make our life hell

**usnavy:** right of course

**usnavy:** you just tax people that can't afford to fight back instead

**ruBen10:** Oh snap he went there

**moneydude:** you cant argue WITH jefferson u gotta argue AGAINST him

**usnavy:** i'll admit he's very confused as to why im agreeing with him

**usnavy:** "so you're a self defeatist, and have just admitted to the inevitable failure of the economic plan you've been so insistently pushing for." or something

**moneydude:** mOTHERFUKCER FILS DE PUTE CONDENADO PENDE J O

**moneydude:** THAT ECOCNOMIC PLAN IS MY FUCKIGN LIFE'S WORK YUO CANT  FRUIN IT LIKE TBHSI

**usnavy:** i can take on this fella, relax

**moneydude:** NO YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH MOVE OVER IM COMING IN

**usnavy:** and explain to everyone why you sent a dude that looks like you to attend in your place?

**ruBen10:** Another point to Usnavi

**moneydude:** @ruBen10 shut the fuck

**moneydude:** fINE but im supervising now. im hiding behind some bald fat politician.

**ruBen10:** Can you use your speech-to-text so that I know what Usnavi's saying? I'm invested now

**moneydude:** "It seems like you to be one to jump to conclusions, but trust me, what you're saying is nothing more than illusions. Just because I can concede you some points doesn't mean that my plan dissapoints, cause this plan is functional, and it's exceptional. We all need an economy, that's a non-starter, but you act like we can live without funds, and that ain't smarter. I propose that, once my plan is applied, that more consideration is taken regarding low-class citizens and immigrants, don't let them be denied. After all, they are the backbone of our nation, do you forget most of our founding fathers got here through migration? So while I deflect your accusation, it's clear that without their support on our taxation, we will cause nothing more than aggravation."

**ruBen10:** Holy shit

**moneydude:** holy sHIT

**moneydude:** JEFFERSON JUST SAT DOWN AND LOOKS LIKE HE'S REEVAULATING HIS ENTIRE LIFE

 

_moneydude has sent a picture_

 

**ruBen10:** He looks absolutely destroyed oh my god.

**moneydude:** hes more shaken by the fact that "i" mildly agreed with him but still proved him wrong

**usnavy:** i can't believe i just did that

**moneydude:** YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE BEAST I DIDNT KNOW YOU COULD RAP LIKE ME DURING A MEETING THIS IS GR8

**usnavy:** i wasnt, i just talk really fast, but thanks :D

**ruBen10:** @moneydude wait are you saying that rapping in cabinet meetings is a normal occurence

**moneydude:** duh

**ruBen10:** I'd question that more but I'm actually not that surprised

**ruBen10:** Brb, someone else came in

**moneydude:** hey uh, sorry for being a bit of a dick back there. i just really panicked because ive worked really hard for that plan to come through

**usnavy:** i'm sorry too, i shouldnt be messing with government stuff like this

**moneydude:** i mean, i /did/ let you be taken by the secret service

**usnavy:** okay true this is pretty much all your fault

**usnavy:** but you helped me out with Sonny that other time so i think we're even

**moneydude:** <3

**usnavy:** <3

**moneydude:** okay it looks like gwash is closing up the meeting so say u gotta go to the bathroom and we'll make the switch

**usnavy:** ok

**usnavy:** also how are u gonna explain your hair growing back magically

**moneydude:** i'll think of something

**moneydude:** call me in like an hour so that we can meet up and you get your hat back

**usnavy:** siiii

**ruBen10:** Um

**ruBen10:** Usnavi

**ruBen10:** Who's Vanessa?

**usnavy:** she's my wonderful beautiful and perfect girlfriend  <3333

**ruBen10:** Oh

**ruBen10:** Um she kissed me thinking I was you

**usnavy:** iM?????????????????

**ruBen10:** I'M SORRY IT HAPPENED SO FAST I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

**moneydude:**  does she NOT know u have a bunch of doppelgangers??

**usnavy:** HOW DOES ONE BRING THAT UP NORMALLY IN CONVERSATION

**ruBen10:** Fair enough

**usnavy:** DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, LITERALLY NO ONE KNOWS, BUT I'LL TELL SONNY AND NESSA WHEN I GET HOME. I'M ON MY WAY.

**ruBen10:** Did your mayus key get stuck again?

**usnavy:** YES

**ruBen10:** Also, who does your cousin think we are then? Just two random dudes you chat with?

**usnavy:** BASICAMENTE

**ruBen10:** Fair enough.

* * *

**ruBen10:** @moneydude How'd the meeting go?

**moneydude:** i managed to work out a few more details into my financial plan, gwash didnt really acknowledge that usnavi/me called the secretary of state "Mr. Jeffershit" cause i've done worse ngl

**ruBen10:** And no one pointed out your magic hair re-growth?

**moneydude:** jefferson has his suspicions but aside from that no

**ruBen10:** Your plan seems to have worked, surprisingly

**moneydude:** not surprising, my plans are the best

**ruBen10:** S u r e

**ruBen10:** I'm almost back at the hospital, gonna have to pull an all-nighter cause I was at the bodega all afternoon

**ruBen10:** What did you end up getting for the techs while I was gone by the way?

**moneydude:** pizza

**ruBen10:** Nice

**ruBen10:** alexANDER

**moneydude:** yes

**ruBen10:** DID YOU ORDER 50 PIZZAS FROM PIZZA HUT AND HAVE THEM DELIVERED TO BELLEVUE HOSPITAL

**moneydude:** u told me i had to feed them, not that i had to show up

**ruBen10:** FUCKING

**Author's Note:**

> You can go talk about these nerds at my tumblr, rainbowblue13. Comments appreciated!


End file.
